What Transition Is Like For Me
I get asked this now and then, “why did you transition?” Or “what’s it like?” Or even just “how does it feel?”
For what it’s worth, some trans women really don’t like this question, so unless you’re invited to ask it, it’s probably safer not to. But I don’t mind sharing my story, and maybe it’ll help shine a light for some folks.
Jenny Boylan says “if you’ve met one trans person you’ve met one trans person,” basically we’re all unique people with unique journies. So don’t abstract this to everyone, it’s just my story ;)
Imagine you wake up one day hearing this awful noise. It just won’t stop, no matter what you do. It’s pretty awful. (For the musicians out there I like to think of it as a tritone).
You keep going about your life—it’s an awful noise but it’s just in your head, right? You need to just “grow a pair” and deal with it. Toughen up and all that. So you live your life with this.. whatever awful thing in the back of your head.
Eventually you learn to tune it out.. it kind of fades into the background of life, but it’s not gone, it’s still there, you’re just getting good at ignoring it.
You go along that way for a long time. Sometimes you feel these weird compulsions to do things, but nothing like, freak show weird, so whatever, everyone has their thing I guess.
But that noise is still there. It’s still nagging at you, annoying you.
Something happens at some point and the noise gets louder, harder to ignore. You redouble your efforts tuning it out but for some reason it’s harder now. It won’t go away. You need to do something about it.
You do a lot of research, and find out that there are other people who hear that noise and that lots of them have gotten the noise to stop by doing this thing that just seems so unimagnable that it feels unreachable. It sounds terrifying and crazy and awful but goddamn that noise it’s horrible just make it stop.
You’re faced with a decision: Do the unthinkable? Or go crazy, become bitter, and hate life.
That was me.
I felt.. something as far back as maybe when I was 8 or 10. This feeling of.. wrongness. I tuned it out for a long time.
But when my wife became pregnant with our son, I was so jealous (I wanted to carry him!). The wrongness exploded in me.
I chose to do the unthinkable, and in transition I have found peace.
The wrongness is gone. The awful noise is no more. I feel free!
Of course, it feels great :)
I’m still dealing with it all, and it’s still really scary. Exploring the unknown and unfamiliar is scary. Some segments of society make everything harder. But I’m at peace inside my head, and that’s such a powerful thing.
I’m happy to answer questions, leave a comment!comments powered by Disqus